Ralph Miliband Must Die…Again – An Essay by Paul Dacre

The Daily Mail, usually so lauded as a source of British pride, has been having a tough week. First, this amazing tweet from Tory politician Nigel Fletcher, lambasting them for their bigotry…and if the Tories are angry at you for being narrow-minded and exclusive, you know you’re a tosser. And now the deluge of angry rain currently pouring down on them over their almost (but not quite) hilariously insensitive, deeply faulty article about Ed Miliband’s dead father – ‘Ralph Miliband, the Man Who Hated Britain’ – published in the print version of the paper on Saturday.

Since the article, Miliband, backed by his fellow party leaders, has launched an aggressive campaign against Mail editor Paul Dacre, exposing him, annoyingly predictably, as the short-sighted bully we all already suspected he was.

Ed Miliband Paul Dacre

XWHY writer James Barton wrote directly to Paul Dacre asking why he wouldn’t apologise for the Mail’s recent controversial article about Ralph Milliband. He received this response…

‘Why I Won’t Apologise’, by Paul Dacre

Now listen here, you bunch of chai latte-drinking, Guardian-reading hippies. We all know you don’t give a toss about the bastion of civilisation and etiquette that is our fair nation. I devote my life tirelessly to pointing out everything that’s wrong with this country, and you lot have the gall to suggest that I’m in some way wrong about the immigrants, gays, women and multiculturalism that is ruining everything that I hold dear?

The evidence is everywhere. Just look at it. What do you mean, you can’t see it? Well, you’re not looking hard enough. It’s like the evidence we have against Ed Milliband’s dad – it’s there, all right. We conducted an utterly exhaustive investigation into his political beliefs and discovered that he vaguely subscribed to some Marxist ideas when he was younger.

MARX?! Can you imagine anyone less British than that?! Firstly, he was German, which is a country that any true British person obviously hates with a vehement passion due to the fact that we were at war with them – twice! – and they beat us at football all the time. While the Daily Mail has rigorously reflected the zeitgeist and updated its opinions to reflect those of the public since the end of World War 2, it’s obvious that Germany has utterly failed to progress in any way, remaining the antithesis of everything British. I assume.

At this juncture I’d like to point out that Viscount Rothermere was explicitly defending the Italian ideology of Fascism – this paper has always hated the Gerries, that’s how British we are. That photo of him meeting Hitler does not constitute solid evidence of any German-loving tendencies. Rothermere was merely impressed with the man’s belief system and politics, not the country he was in charge of. Pretty sure Hitler was Austrian anyway.

Anyway, I’ve lost sight of what I was complaining about and gone on an all-encompassing rant – I’m sorry, that’s very out of character. So, Marx – yes, would you believe this pompous lefty would have had us all abolish our class system?! Can you imagine a Britain where we couldn’t form immediate judgements about people based on their parenting, upbringing and socio-economic status? That is not a country I want to live in.

Basically, Ralph Milliband would have destroyed the very fabric of British reality if he’d had his way. If that doesn’t constitute hating Britain, what does?

Yours Unapologetically,

Paul Dacre


Disclaimer: James Barton may or may not have, allegedly, arguably, disputably, but not incontrovertibly, or unreasonably, or even implausibly fabricated some, or all of the above…

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