Neknominations xwhy

Neknominations, MotorWasted and the Rat-Arsenist

James Barton dives headfirst into Banter-Warfare, NekNominations and Other Lessons in extreme stupidity….

Now that we’ve rolled into February, it’s about that time when everyone starts forgetting their New Year’s resolutions and devolving back into the slovenly amoral cesspools they were in December. Unfortunately, the men of the Internet seem to have followed this stereotype a bit too literally, eschewing my recommendations for self-improvement and grazing their way straight back into the lad-herd.

The latest load of Internet sh*t that you’ve likely seen doing the rounds is…actually probably Buzzfeed quizzes. Please, please stop sharing those on Facebook. But while we’re on the subject of moronic indulgences that nobody gives a t*ss about, it would be remiss of me not to mention the tabloid-bait that is Neknominations.

My Resolutions article encouraged modern men to become less of an inane online presence and to consider what they, as individuals, brought to the table socially.

Incredibly, Neknominations manages to be the polar opposite of both of these concepts.

It involves blindly following a specific set of rules that you had no hand in creating. These rules dictate some fairly unpleasant terms for what can only loosely be described as social interaction between you and two nominees. The results are then necessarily distributed online even though they are obviously of no interest to anyone except you and the two nominees unfortunate enough to know you.

In what surely qualifies as the world’s least creative portmanteau, the idea is that you neck some alcohol then nominate your mates to do the same. They spelt it ‘nek’ because whichever twat came up with the name apparently wanted it to look ‘x-treme’, but was unaware that it’s no longer the mid-nineties. It’s the latest trend in forced banter for those who like to crowdsource their personality.

It’s basically just the birthday ‘tradition’ of a dirty pint, so beloved by people who don’t understand the concept of enjoyment. The twist is that through the always-welcome medium of grainy smartphone videos, you can be sure that everyone you know on Facebook thinks the less of you as you neck a litre of JD and cat’s piss, whereas before you were only able to disgust those in your immediate vicinity.

Cliché though it may be, now is the time to ask yourself some serious questions.

Questions like:

why do you do this to yourself?

I am of course aware that no one is supposed to enjoy a Bailey’s & Snakebite, but exactly which element of the whole ordeal do you find enjoyable? The braying idiots forcing you to get it down the hatch? I wouldn’t describe that as friend-worthy behaviour. Perhaps it’s the Man Points ™ that you earn by drinking a concoction that would have knocked Boris Yeltsin for six?

In that case, it might be time to recalibrate our definition of masculinity.

Being a man already involves doing stuff that you don’t enjoy, but that’s because it involves both tolerance and sacrifice for the sake of your dignity. This is supposed to be balanced out by the stuff that you do enjoy – which, for most of us, is the time you spend with your mates. So have a little more self-respect – if you’re a halfway decent and interesting human being, it seriously doesn’t matter if they don’t think you’re also the Archbishop of Banterbury.

But hey, if you really need a talking point, then I guess you could try some of these drinking games:

Sink it, Fresher!

Basically the same as NekNominations, but instead of using alcohol, use the products that can be found under any household sink! ROFLCOPTER! See how long you can hold it down before your intestines start corroding from all the bleach you’ve ingested!

Not banter-riffic enough?

Try to find a combination of chemicals that will also dissolve your glass! Spillage is lickage!

Banter Level:

Bantanamo Bay

MotorWasted

Get absolutely sh*tfaced, then operate a car. It is imperative that a friend in the passenger seat constantly films you on their phone, so that your face can be identified in the video. See how long you can last before hitting another moving vehicle.

Not banter-riffic enough?

Up the challenge by driving on the wrong side of the road!

Banter level:

Marc Bantony and CleoChatra

Rat-arsenist

Wait until your mate’s passed out drunk, then splash petrol all over his flat and set fire to it! Bare hilare! That’ll show him what happens when you’re not hardcore enough!

Not banter-riffic enough?

Disconnect all of the smoke alarms then leave him inside! You could even stick a cigarette in his hand so that if he survives he thinks it was all his fault!

Banter level:

Eric Bantona, scoring a chat-trick.

 

Want to feel the sting of more snake-tongued cynicism in your life… check out James Barton’s recent tirade against Demetri Marchessini.

WORDS: James Barton

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