XWHY WORLD CUP SPECIAL: If I were (a) Roy…

So it’s official, we have been put out of our misery by a Costa Rican victory over Italy and I no longer have to look on at the 5pm calendar entry for next Tuesday with the hope and desperation of a teenager that’s left it until the night before to start cramming for his exams. A sad time but not one that was entirely unexpected after our display against Italy. We now face the inevitable weeks of dissection of where it all went wrong and no doubt the first port of call will be Mr Hodgson.

Roy Hodgson, England Manager

Roy Hodgson, England Manager

Although an enviable position, Roy Hodgson has probably the 2nd toughest jobs in the country (Nigel Farage’s PR man taking the top spot obviously). It’s made all the harder by the fact that every single person in England thinks that they can do better than him. At last count I had seen 12,319 different versions of who people would pick in the England team if they were the manager (None better than mine FYI). 

Unfortunately for the general public this is not a massive game of Championship Manager and there is only one man in charge, but that has not stopped us from putting together a few ideas of what we would do if we had been in the hot seat for England’s ill-fated charge for the World Cup. Let’s hope Roy’s reading.

Sing for your dinner…

As much as footballers talk about it being an honour to play for their country and their pride in the 3 Lions on their shirt It’s quite hard to reconcile that with their often tepid renditions of the National Anthem prior to kick off. In tournaments just as much as friendlies. The mix of hair preening, vacant stares and muttered choruses is quite the contrast from the rousing and sometime tear inducing efforts of their Rugby Union Counter parts. 

Admittedly it helps that they have every single England fan in the crowd helping them out (something the prawn sandwich brigade might not be up for), but even without the crowd it’s a great thing to see. 

So the first rule to be imposed under the XWHY rule over England FC is:

The National anthem will be sung every evening before dinner. 

A much better use of time than penalty practice. Hopefully the repetition will allow some of the less patriotic members of the team to learn the words to our famous ditty and serve as a daily reminder of who they’re representing out there. 

Court is in session!

Anyone that has ever been away from home on a sporting tour will tell you. One of the most enjoyable and unifying elements of any trip abroad is that of the Kangeroo court. Where rules are made and enforced with little rhyme or reason other than entertainment. Rules such as “No use of the following words/phrases: World Cup, Brazil, Lucozade…” when broken are punishable by exultant sanctions such as tequila suicides and a bit of Edward Ciderhands whilst running laps. 

The past “Golden Generation” were rumoured to have been struck down by boredom and homesickness while at international tournaments with England and as much as I would love to mock such claims, it is a fair point. When you’ve previously been spending your weekends smashing down the drinks at establishments such as ‘The Lowry’ or ‘Faces’ in order to drown your sorrows/ celebrate a win, followed by sleeping with a team mate’s love buddy, sister or in some cases wife, Hotels become about more than just a competitive game of FIFA and some “Banter”. 

This leads us to our second rule:

Kangeroo Court will be held twice daily with those guilty of breaking the laws of tour subject to unreasonable and unjust punishment for the amusement of the of the touring party. 

judicial-system-5

Abstinence makes the heart grow fonder

“I’m sure sex wouldn’t be so rewarding as this World Cup. It’s not that sex isn’t good but the World Cup is every four years and sex is not” – Ronaldo 

Well Ronnie, we think you can have your cake and eat it. Countless studies have gone into how abstinence effects sporting performance and yet I’m pretty sure the general public are still not sure what the truth is. Some sports man abstain, others actively seek out sex at every opportunity… *Cough* Ronaldinho  *Cough*. 

ronaldinho sex god

One thing that is for sure, is that like us lesser men, footballers want sex! So unlike hard task-master Capello, we would use the “Carrot method”. Our third and final rule would be thus:

Players ability to indulge in sexual relations/relief whilst at the World Cup will be directly related to their performance in the Opta stats charts. 

Now this one will require a lot of monitoring, Boxing gloves (think about it), chastity belts and the agreement of their other halves, but for the pride of England I’m sure it will be worth the time and money involved.

So there you have it. 3 cast iron and simple ways that the Croydon Don aka Roy Hodgson, can improve England’s chances of winning the Euros, or at least a game… Passion, Fun and Sex. Sounds like a perfect month away to me. 

Oh and just because we know you’ve had this running in your head since you read the title…

If you’ve liked this you may also like some of our other Football posts:

England the Iron Generation 

Interview: Dani Osvaldo – Inside the mind of a Maverick

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