How to: Stoptober – Alternative Quitting for the Terminally Stupid
Smoking Stoptober – the XWHY alternative to a healthy quitting process. Because why go the slow and gentle route when it could be quick and painful?!
Smoking is a fantastic invention. In an age where people live long enough to precipitate an over-population crisis among the geriatric community, the fact that some clever noggin (James Buchannan Duke) invented a pocket sized cancer-stick as a means of voluntary euthanasia for the already terminally stupid, is just ruddy brilliant. It’s modern Darwinism.
However, this October, the British healthcare system is trying to undo all of Duke’s benevolence by bringing back their “let’s hold hands and do it together” quitting event – Stoptober.
Thankfully, a conglomerate of the most incurably moronic among us, have launched a vicious counter-attack, entitled the “Octabber Resistance”, or, in other words “take back your hippy hand-holding, we’re fighting for the right to kill ourselves slowly thank you very much”. As much of an advert for re-diverting government taxes somewhere useful as it is a win for awkward punning.
Anyway, we thought we’d lend our a hand to one or other, or both, of these parties and put together a list of tips which both support the quitting values of the NHS, but also allow the terminally stupid to continue to be the brains that only a mother could love.
XWHY MAGAZINE’S ALTERNATIVE STOPTOBER
- Have a heart attack – a self-induced heart attack. Totally possible, the CIA did it. It’s like Russian roulette. If you die, congratulations, you win at being the most stupid, death is your medal, wear it with honour. If you don’t die, don’t worry, the universe has given you another shot, use it wisely…or not.
- Sell your house and live in a tent – the most flammable house you could own, save for maybe a house made out of Chlorine Trifluoride. Light up, we dare you.
- Placard dare – wear a sign around your neck at all times that says if you’re caught with a fag, your mates are allowed to tape you to a carousel while they spin it with a car. It’s a great dare, look what happened when some kids in Bavaria tried it.
- Become a priest – can’t smoke in churches as far as we know, right? And there’s probably some interpretation of the bible somewhere that says you’ll go straight to hell if you do. Believe that bit.
- Dog biscuits – a woman cured her cravings by gnawing on dog biscuits. Not at all weird. Definitely try it.
- Social awkwardness – some people smoke because they are awkward as f**k if they don’t have something to occupy their hands and mouths while they can’t think of anything mindblowingly cool to say. Well, what’s wrong with a bit of social awkwardness? It’s like so hipster-chic right now to be totally f**king useless at communicating with your peers. Try making balloon animals – both a hand/mouth occupier AND completely awkward. Two birds, one sausage dog.
- Teenage rebellion – the rest of smoking-adoption can probably be accounted for by teenagers looking to up their “screw the man” status. But there are so many ways to screw the man and look like a d*ckhead in the process! The world is full of them! In fact, smoking is literally so piss poor in comparison to some of the tasty rebellion delights out there. What about that dude who swung from the cenotaph during the London riots?
- Aversive smoking – okay, so we know shock tactics don’t work, or you wouldn’t be sucking on your tar straw while staring at the picture of some guy’s grotesque throat tumour on the back of the pack. And we gave up electric shock therapy as a viable cure for things ages ago. BUT maybe that’s just because we haven’t tried these things in the extreme. Aversive smoking is where you chain smoke in such quick succession that you make yourself sick. What if, and this is genius, what if you rounded up all the quitters, sat in a circle and played aversive smoking roulette. Last one to projectile over everyone else wins. You’ll be so thoroughly traumatised, and covered in sick, that you wont want to smoke or ever hang out with your friends ever again.