The Last Unicorn

How To: #becominganadulttips – 8

The things you never knew you needed to know…

Becoming an adult is a troublesome process. Few people make it out of adulthood alive. Whether you’re scraping twenty-one or hitting forty, there is always another mistake you didn’t know you needed to make as part of your overall growing process. Basically, this is a compilation of things you didn’t know you needed to know. I’ve done the research, the groundwork and a lot of really stupid sh** so that you don’t have to. From paddling pools to pirate costumes, achieving adult status is not always what it seems…

Tip #6 – Beware of Unicorns on a Hangover…and Every Other Important Life Decision.

My friends and I, when we lived together, had a wonderful hangover ritual which involved all sprawling across the living room in front of the TV, surrounded by the sad debris of last night – empty cans, traffic cones and burger packets, mostly.

We would sink into our respective puddles of stale beer and pick a film. It was always, inevitably, a kids’ film. In our fragile states, we needed something innocent and joyful to remind us that the world does not consist entirely of pain, regret and that sensation you get that you might have spent the evening licking a badger’s backside.Hangover

Thanks to Netflix and its wonderful system of categories, it could not have been easier to trawl through every Disney, Pixar and lesser denomination children’s flickhouse, film we could lay our hands on.

One day, we came across one called The Last Unicorn. It looked like the holy grail of joyful hangover films, full of wonder and sparkles, and even the manliest among us couldn’t resist the lure of its camp pink unicorn protagonist. We decided to save it for a truly dark day.

The last unicorn

That day came. We’d managed to stay drunk for a full 24 hours, and awake for approximately 36. When the hangover finally hit, it was a whopper, and the decision was reached that it was now time for that most ambrosial-looking of films. It was about ten minutes into the film that I came to the most important realisation of my adult life. Every decision you make, no matter how small and seemingly insignificant, has consequences.

I will be forever scarred by The Last Unicorn, the least horrifying moment of which was the appearance of a vulture with massive saggy tits, and the most execrable, when the unicorn is turned human and kept in a sex dungeon by a mad old pervert. This was in the KIDS’ SECTION of Netflix, and it left seven fully-grown adults horrified and, if anything, more hungover.

The last unicorn

My message, then, is that you should never judge a book by its cover, consider all of your life choices and their ramifications and most importantly of all, NEVER watch The Last Unicorn on a hangover day.


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