How To: #Becominganadulttips – 5

The things you never knew you needed to know…

Becoming an adult is a troublesome process. Few people make it out of adulthood alive. Whether you’re scraping twenty-one or hitting forty, there is always another mistake you didn’t know you needed to make as part of your overall growing process. Basically, this is a compilation of things you didn’t know you needed to know. I’ve done the research, the groundwork and a lot of really stupid sh** so that you don’t have to. From paddling pools to pirate costumes, achieving adult status is not always what it seems…

Tip #5 -Don’t bother with pirate costumes, wear a boat costume and you can be all the pirates!

A bachelor’s life is revered in the movie world for its late nights, lack of house chores and the frequency with which beautiful women flood in, make wild, casual love to you and then leave their racy lingerie draped over the couch cushions. This picture is only accurate some of the time. Very little of the time. It pretty much couldn’t be further from the truth.

Mostly, you sit on a couch covered in your own dirty pants, searching the web for a job that’s slightly less cripplingly boring than your own, mired in nostalgia, regret and a pinch of despair and wondering if your penis might actually fall off if you masturbate again.

Bored, overweight man sits on the sofa

When the opportunity then arises for you to take part in something embarrassingly childish, reckless and decidedly career jeopardising, the answer is always yes. Fancy dress party, done.

Suddenly, you’re not Insomnia-Joe anymore, staring at QVC and re-evaluating every decision you’ve made in the past three and a half years. No, you’re Steve the Inventor of All Things Genius and you’re staying up deliberately because it would be a crime to interrupt the flow of awesomeness with sleep. You’ve found a project that requires every ounce of concentration. This is what years of further education has prepared you for.

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You’re tea-staining one of your only two sheets so that you can staple it to some cleverly adulterated Hoola Hoops and make it into a boat costume. The old fashioned pirate costume has been done, you’ve read every article on the subject, you could quote all the experts, hell, if someone needed a powerpoint presentation, you’d be well prepared to give it. As any self-respecting fancy dress connoisseur knows, it’s all about the “meta” these days, from narratives to hashtags.

You’re going “meta pirate” and you’re going to be the freaking boat.

A boat costume will also make it completely acceptable to run up to other members of your group, who have probably shamed themselves with some paltry attempt at an eye-patch-and-parrot combo, and shout “All seamen to the poop deck!”, because, as someone clearly winning at life via the medium of awesome meta-costumes, you will have earned this right.

As usual, however, my life lessons come with a warning, and it is this: the fact that you are wearing a boat costume does not make it socially acceptable for you to invade Prêt A Manger for a spot of pillaging and plundering. Apparently, they don’t see the funny side. Furthermore, shouting “Parle!” as they try and make you leave will not help the situation.

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If you need any more sartorial advice, our ‘How to suck a little less at fancy dress‘ might give you a clue or two…

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