How to…Be the Ultimate Wingman

A Cynic’s Guide to Getting People Laid

Your single friend is embarrassing himself. While you’re busy charming women into disrobing in taxis and leaving you messages in lipstick on your perineum, he’s back at the bar trying to convince anyone who will listen that his dentist once used to play top trumps with Michael Heseltine.

 

Basically, his pulling skills are about as effective as rollerskating on wet tar. You’ve had a word, it hasn’t made a blind bit of difference, so it’s time for you to step in and take over.

 

According to our vague perusal of the internet, “Wingmanism” is a fine art. It relies on stealth, wit, subtle self-deprecation and a substantial amount of subliminal messaging.

 

Essentially, you are a pimp. But it’s about the most complicated and counter-intuitive form of pimping that was ever invented.

 

You must seek out and identify willing clients, without ever letting on to them that they are clients or that you know they are willing. You then have to sell your wares by showcasing yourself as an example of them, but without giving the impression that you yourself are for sale. And finally, to ensure that the deal is sealed, you have to find a way of figuratively (sometimes literally) blocking all the exits, without seeming like the sexual predator that you are.

 

Everyone has their own set of rules. There should probably be a separate Urban Dictionary devoted to some of the terminology that men make up for their personal pulling tactics. Apparently, being a complete dickhead is your best route to success. So, bearing that in mind, we’ve come up with a guide of our own.

 

Smoobs (Flickr)

Smoobs (Flickr)

First Impressions are Everything.

Both of you should spend a month hitting the gym, mainly concentrating on your biceps, lats and your neck – no woman likes a skinny neck. She won’t get a chance to look down on the first meeting, so you can ignore your legs completely. Then, the evening before, you as the wingman should put in a good cheeseburger sesh, washed down with a gallon or two of lager. That way, the next night, you’ll look good, but a bit blurry round the edges, while your friend will look like he has just stepped out of a gay sporting-heroes calendar.

 

Babies.

It is a well-known fact that women’s knickers come off of their own accord when you mention children. It’s an evolutionary thing, something to do with Darwin. Tonight, your friend is a single dad to a wide-eyed, mussy-haired, super-child. If knickers aren’t hitting the floor yet, you should probably mention the fact that little Tommy has just come down with some mysterious illness and the only reason you are out tonight is to help your friend take his mind off the worry for a few hours. This is a one-night-stand-only trick. It gets a bit tricky if you then invite her for lunch and have to explain the absence of nappies, bottles and other paraphernalia of child-rearing – like, maybe a child.

 

Loin-clothology.

If you haven’t demonstrated your friend’s rugged, protective, cave-man appeal effectively enough at this point, you might have to opt for the more blatant approach. Why not mention that time when you were on holiday in the Caribbean together and he took out that rampaging tiger shark with nothing but a conch shell and a piece of string?

If your audience looks sceptical, this would be a good moment for your friend to prove that he is humble as well as hunky. A simple, “Oh gosh, I’m sorry, he always exaggerates. I’m not that great. It was only a hammerhead and anyway I had a spear-gun”, should do the trick.

 

The Art of Confusion.

If The Game is anything to go by, women liked to be flattered and confused at the same time. Just before you head to the gents, tell the object of your friend’s affections that her dress doesn’t significantly bring out the colour of her eyes. Then, on your way past, smack her hard on the bum. Whatever you do DON’T look back. In the seconds afterwards, while she is not sure whether to be flattered or outraged, your friend has a perfect opportunity to catch her off-guard and make his move.

 

Eye on the Prize.

According to loads of important studies, it has been proven that while you are busy chatting her up, a woman is closely monitoring your eye contact. Why do you think she can always tell when you’ve been paying more attention to her breasts than her face? Harness this knowledge and use it for your own gain. Don’t do the boob peruse. Instead, keep flashing a glance at your friend’s groin. This is where your subliminal powers come into play. She’ll follow your line of sight and become immediately interested in what he’s got tucked away behind his zipper. If you are really good at this, she probably won’t even be able to wait to get him home, she’ll have him over the porcelain in the ladies’ loos in under an hour.

 

Bomb Disposal.

Finally, you’ve got her where you want her. She thinks your friend is a gay-icon, shark-chasing, single-father with a giant penis. Everything is perfect. Until her friend, who doesn’t look like Giselle Bundchen after airbrushing, comes over. This slightly less than perfect girl is what is commonly understood to be the “grenade” – the one who could blow your carefully followed procedure to smithereens by suggesting that its time to go home…and not your home. It is your job, as wingman, to cover the potential explosion. Pull out all the stops. Flex your biceps, tell her she’s an 11 when she’s really only a 9.5, compare her to your dead mother – anything to ensure that she comes along for the ride. Bang her if you have to. It’s called taking one for the team. Having sex with a semi-stunning girl just so your friend can get his rocks off is a tall order, we know, but sometimes it’s got to be done.

 

Disclaimer: this guide is exclusively for the certifiably braindead

Featured Image: JD Hancock

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