Captain Breakdown: Hello, Otters and Grindr
So, whether you like it or not, you’re here.
This is a blog about me, well not quite me, but my sex life.
As a young gay guy who grew up in London (yes lucky me) I’ve had a few experiences of note – some wonderful and some that border on the dark, tragic and downright hilarious.
I’m going to write about all of this – the good, the bad and the ugly – in this blog. Now, don’t get me wrong, I know what it is you want. Sadly though, you’ll have to sift through the remembered details, musings and entirely self-centred rants to get to the salacious, #NSFW, gossip-gold of this insight into a young gay man’s sex life.
Don’t worry though, the gold is definitely there.
I’m a twenty-something, white otter. For clarification check this out:
If you’re sweet enough that you don’t quite get it, let me add that you need only refer to the first couple of entries in that list. As much as I would love to be an “adorable river critter”, sadly “otter” in this context has slightly less innocent, though still fluffy, connotations.
(no, that’s not me…that’s Ricky Martin’s boyfriend)
That’s just the terminology. When it boils down to it, I have certain character traits that, when all tied together, create the perfect storm that is my sex life.
And they are:
—– I like to try most things at least once (and often a second time, just to be sure).
—– I can’t say no to my libido (especially when a full moon comes around; damned lunacy).
—– Finally, I have really poor eyesight, coupled with an amazing ability to lose glasses.
So, with sufficient disclaimers in place (THIS IS A SEX BLOG, IN CASE YOU HADN’T GATHERED), let’s set off on this journey of lust, love and life-lessons…
Hopefully we’ll all be better people at the end. Hopefully…
My first instalment. Now, before we set off, deep into the homosexual forest, I want to start with the basics. Today I am going to give you a little crash course in Grindr. If you haven’t heard of it, you’ve been hiding under a rock. For those of you who like rocks – it’s a smartphone app, like Candy Crush (just as addictive), but with slightly more explosive rewards…
It allows you to locate other local Grindr users and “talk” to them. And by “talk” I mean assume that he wants sex immediately, discover his exact whereabouts (usually within 200 metres of your own) and hey presto, instant fuck-buddy.
I recently celebrated my one year anniversary of being on Grindr – I know, I was late to the party; but I have to say, it’s completely changed the approach to my sex life.
In darker times I would have had to go out to some God-awful soho bar, get bladdered, dance around for long enough that someone caught my eye and subsequently try very hard not to spill my drink on them.
After stumbling my way through drunken small-talk, I would eventually wind up somewhere comfortable-ish for some, mostly unsatisfying, wasted sex; spending the whole time trying not to throw up, pass out or both.
I’m pretty sure it’s not just gay men that are familiar with, and lament the frequency of, this repeating cycle.
But No More!
In these new enlightened times, it’s easy to circumnavigate all of those unappealing bits and skip to the point. I tend to try and have a pint first (well, you don’t always want to come across as some sex-crazed monster).
Either way, the most delightful thing has been the frequent pleasure of mostly-sober sex.
There are a few pitfalls though…
Firstly is the ‘flattering photo’. This has happened too many times to count. Contrary to popular belief, any hole is not a goal. Many of you will have experienced the ‘flattering photo’ situation if you have ever used an internet dating site. Luckily for you though, with dating websites, there is less obvious pressure to have sex within an hour of meeting them.
The ‘flattering photo’ in question is usually circa ten f***ing years ago, when he was lithe, lean and had a full head of hair. And now that you discover that Adonis has let himself go, what do you do? Umm… I left the oven on?
Unfortunately this is a tough problem to avoid, short of demanding a ransom style photo with a current newspaper held in front of them.
My second issue is the “didn’t you fuck my friend?” conundrum. Not such an issue in the big city, but I live in the suburbs. There isn’t such a massive market – though certainly enough to tide me over.
Increasingly often, guys that I sleep with know and have also slept with everyone else in the area. I had an incident earlier this year, rendezvous-ing with my friends G. and A. Now I’ve known this couple for a few years, actually, and we often get together for dinner and a shag. This time, they’d invited a mystery sub as some after dinner entertainment.
The guy turned out to be a really disappointing meet from the previous week; let’s just say I wasn’t too happy to see him.
These kinds of things are happening more and more often with me and they’re also getting more and more ridiculous. There is a house nearby, inhabited by gay guys, I’ve now been to it a total of three times. When the fourth sent me the address I refused flat out; I’ve spent my life trying to avoid being ‘that guy’.
As much as these problems are annoying though, I love it, I’m addicted to it and I bet lots of other are equally as enamoured.
So that’s it for now. But check back next time, when I’ll be giving you a few lessons in Orgy Etiquette!