How To: #becominganadulttips – 1

The things you never knew you needed to know…

Becoming an adult is a troublesome process. Few people make it out of adulthood alive. Whether you’re scraping twenty-one or hitting forty, there is always another mistake you didn’t know you needed to make as part of your overall growing process. Basically, this is a compilation of things you didn’t know you needed to know. I’ve done the research, the groundwork and a lot of really stupid sh** so that you don’t have to. From paddling pools to pirate costumes, achieving adult status is not always what it seems… 

Tip #1 – Never High-Five the Kebab Van Man

As the theory goes, when one grows up, one is supposed to be much more discerning about one’s personal choices. In other words, you’re not supposed to still be hanging out in Cheapskates with Gary-no-Girlfriend, late nights should be limited to one or two per week and nothing ought to go in your mouth that isn’t an over-priced piece of plant-extract from some unbelievably contrived bijous/hipster coffee house.

Obviously, at 4am, the Kebab Van Man man is still your best friend. He knows that, you know that, we all secretly know that. He’s seen you stumble out of places so awful that you have to drink their memory into oblivion, he’s laughed at stories that don’t make sense and, most importantly, he’s given you a sh**-tonne of free red cabbage.

Much like your continued affinity with Dave Lister, though, if you’ve any sense, you’ll keep this particular intimacy under wraps, from others and, indeed, from your sober self. If you’re in the market for a significant moment of #adultfail clarity, try this on for size:

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You step out of work for your lunch break, thinking of going somewhere grown-up, like Pret-a-Manger, or some cool bistro that no-one even knows about but is totally trendy and so eye-wateringly expensive that it must be good. A non-descript car slows as it passes you on the pavement, you instantly recognise the man behind the wheel and, without thinking, high-five the hand he has reached out to you. The warmth of this impromptu moment of friendship cools abruptly when you realise that you just high-fived Al, the Kebab Van Man, in the middle of the daytime, on the street where you work. Nothing against the man himself, he’s a great guy, but when you’re suddenly aware of how familiar you are with someone that is supposed to only exist at 4am, when you’re barely even half-human and have a mouth full of inexplicable amounts of red cabbage, you have to re-assess.

During the #becominganadult phase of your life (i.e. from about 23 onwards for the rest of eternity), your time is regularly punctuated by moments of cripplingly embarrassing insight about your particular take on what it means to be a bonafide, grown-up human being, and this is one of them.

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Words: Justin Time

 

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