5 Reasons Why Valentine’s Day is The Northern Lights of the Single Man’s World
Valentine’s Day – commercially concocted, sickeningly cheesy and universally loathed. But should it be? Michael Thomas has found a singular kind of joy at the bottom of the chocolate box…
Blood is thicker than water and mums go drastically underappreciated, this is possibly why we give the crass consumerism of Mother’s Day a ‘get out of jail free’ card…
Valentine’s Day gets no such pardon. The reality of the situation is that this day for lovers, is pretty much about all the things that stop love in its tracks and make you want to hit things.
The pressure of the big spend, the expectations, the ‘will he/she propose?’ and all that closely related nonsense is about enough to kill a month of erections. Singletons don’t get a much better deal either. It’s mainly a case of spending the week in hibernation hoping not to look another f*cking stuffed animal carrying an I ♥ U sign in the eyes.
The ‘good’ boyfriends out there (or at least the ones that have learnt from past experiences) will have started planning their Valentine’s assault the moment they finished wrapping up her last Christmas present. They’ll have started booking things the moment their January paychecks cleared. These men are aware that if there’s not something Instagrammable and Facebookable involved, they’ve basically failed, because it didn’t really happen if no one saw it on a social network, right?
If you’re in a solid relationship with an absolute diamond, you’ve just got to look at it as one of those things. People are essentially sheep, everyone gets swept up in other people’s fevers, so you can’t really blame your other half for just expecting what everyone else expects.
There are ways to be creative about it though. If he/she is on your wavelength, it’d be pretty easy to say “screw this expensive dinner crap. Let’s hire a camper van and head off on an adventure for the weekend instead. You can Instagram the sh*t out of our feet on picnic mats in front of sunsets, instead of papping a luke-warm leg of lamb, steeped in the chef’s overworked misery, with an FML garnish.”
If you’re not with a diamond, the answer is even more simple. Dump. Cry. Get over. Carry on reading.*I take no responsibility for anyone dumping their girlfriends/fiancés/booty calls. Why do people insist on taking everything on the internet so seriously?!
Single Men Rejoice
Now, if you find yourself unattached on February 14, here are some reasons to get over yourself. Don your finest threads young man, reach for the Jim Beam and head out in search of merriment:
All the girls that are out on this wonderful day are either single OR they have sh*t boyfriends, who they hate, because said boyfriend has either the imagination of the brain-dead, the memory of a fish or they’re an accountant. You, my friend, are now one of the country’s most eligible bachelors. Your charm will seem multiplied, your wit unmatched and your receding hairline invisible. This is your Cinderella moment. Act accordingly. We’ll all be shoeless, riding pumpkins by morning.
Remember, you are actually the envy of everyone. While those in happy pairings have skipped off to the countryside, to take pictures of entwined toes and the 609,375th #InstaSunset of this year, the ones who are left in town will be crying into a bowl of candle lit “you can’t afford this” and forcing long periods of uncomfortable eye-contact with someone they meant to break up with last week, but didn’t because it seemed cruel to do it just before Valentine’s Day. Tonight, you are Beyoncé. You run the world. Gather together your band of merry men and embark on a journey that will inevitably result in the hangover of the apocalypse, unrepeatable stories and underwear of unknown divination in your back pocket.
Money not spent on Lobster and Champagne, is money well spent on anything else. Rejoice in the fact that, even if you go mental and blow 200 quid on your night; £100 on booze for you, £50 on booze for hot people you meet along the way, £30 on shots for your friends, and their new friends, £15 of kebabs or fried chicken (depending on which is your poison of preference) and a £5 top up on the oyster for the night bus that you will of course fall asleep on, meaning a long walk back on yourself – you will still have (probably) spent less to gain more. Probably.
If you take a wrong turn somewhere and end up in Infernos or Birthdays, I mean, don’t…please don’t, but if you do, do so in the knowledge that there will be no over-protective rugby playing boyfriends around, to interrupt your flow of conversation. Captivate, enchant, the floor is yours.
Its on a Saturday, which means normal people that like going out will be out too. Typically, when a Valentine’s Day is mid week, the only people that can be bothered to “turn their swag to 100” and go “out out” are the hardcore desperados (male and female). This results in a weird ecosystem filled with spotty, salivating men (barely a whisker enough to call themselves men, and a penis that has only met Pamela Handerson) and women who’ve worn high heels on so few occasions throughout history that they look pissed as a fart at 7.30pm in the evening. Its is in these moments where we get to see what the missing link may have looked like.
So, treat the February 14 like some sort of marvellous wonder. The Aurora Boralis of singledom – see the world in a whole new light, a 24 hour vortex in which anything can happen.
If the above has failed to charm you into a self-love kind of romance… then heed these final words… If you don’t shoot, you can’t score!
WORDS: Michael Thomas